Lassie the Unicorn
by Psychedelica
Summary: Spencer and Guster are irritating him again, and this time they've got face paints and hallucinogenic drugs. Could today get any worse for a long-suffering detective? Crackfic based on YouTube's "charlie teh unicron".
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so I got the idea for this reading Madame Seabush's _**Jack Teh Unicron**_ (Doctor Who) and AssassinOfRome's _**John teh Unicron**_ (Sherlock). There are other ones based on FilmCow's YouTube vids, but if I listed them all here I'd be here forever.**

**I advise you to watch _charlie teh unicron episode 1 _(search for it on YouTube) before reading this fic. You don't HAVE to, but it doesn't really make much sense without it . . . Don't worry, it's not even two minutes long!**

**Disclaimer: Psych and all its peeps and stuff belong to some big important guy I don't remember the name of. _charlie teh unicro_n (lowercase for a reason) belongs to SecretAgentBob on YouTube, thankyouverymuch. So me no owney anything except this fic. And even that is sort of defying copyright laws. Whatever. I'll let you get on with reading now.**

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><p>Detective Carlton Lassiter looked around in confusion. What was he doing in a forest? Alone? Was he at some sort of crime scene? If so, where on Earth was Detective O'Hara?<p>

Suddenly Spencer and Guster came bounding up to him.

"Lassie! _Lassieeee!"_ cried Guster.

Now they were closer, Lassiter could see that their eyes were wide and their pupils much larger than usual. Guster's face was painted a baby blue, his skin colour only showing around his eyes and on his neck. Spencer had painted himself in a similar fashion, except his face paint was candyfloss pink. Lassiter reached for his handcuffs, planning to arrest the two of them there and then for drug abuse, but for some reason his handcuffs weren't in their usual spot in his belt.

"What?" he asked reluctantly.

"We've gotta go!" said Spencer. "We're burning this place down!"

As he spoke, a huge fire came blazing through the trees. Lassiter added arson to his steadily growing list of crimes the duo had committed.

"Oh," he said calmly, not wanting to provoke the two. There were clearly in an unfit state of mind. "What about all the animals in the forest?" No matter how hard he tried, it still came out patronising. Luckily, Spencer and Guster seemed not to notice.

"Well, clearly they're gonna burn a lot," Guster pointed out in his usual matter-of-fact way. Lassiter tried not to look shocked.

"Aw, well that isn't nice," frowned Spencer.

Guster glared at his friend. "Maaan, shut the _heeelllll _up," he said angrily.

Spencer narrowed his eyes. "_You _shut the _heeelllll _up."

"No, _you_ shut the _heeeeeeelllll _up."

"Y-you can both go . . . and-and shut the hell up," stammered Lassiter, slightly worried by the pair's antics. They were crazy and high usually, but right now they were acting even crazier and higher than usual.

"I'm not talking to you, Lassie," snapped Guster.

Spencer's eyes suddenly widened and his pupils grew so large that they completely covered his hazel irises. Lassiter took a step back as Spencer exclaimed, "_Rainbow!"_ and vomited a stream of multi-coloured liquid. "_Blehh!"_

Lassiter found himself on a bridge, suspended across a massive canyon. He didn't recall getting onto the bridge, but hey! Odder things had happened in the past twenty-three seconds.

"Holy crap, we're on a bridge," stated Guster, though Detective Lassiter was perfectly able to see that for himself, thank you very much.

Suddenly Spencer tumbled over the rope handholds, shrieking, "Oh God, I'm falling! I had so much to live for!"

Lassiter saw him drop, almost in slow motion, and didn't know quite what to say. Spencer was gone. Shawn Spencer, bane of his existence. He was here, he was annoying, but now he was gone. Poof. Dead. No longer on this Earth. Well, he _was _still on this Earth, just a mushed up pile of Shawn at the bottom of the canyon.

Eventually, Lassiter summed up his thoughts by saying, "That is . . . tragic." Even to his own ears, it didn't sound like he meant it.

"Not as tragic as your face," retorted Guster, coming from the guy with his face painted completely powder blue.

"Oh, come on! That was . . ." Actually, he hated to admit it, but it had kind of stung. ". . . Uncalled for."

"Your face is uncalled for!"

"Hey guys!" exclaimed Spencer, suddenly appearing behind them. He skipped over to them with a large grin on his face, and the bridge wobbled alarmingly.

"Where the hell you been?" asked Guster, eyes narrowed.

"Oh, y'know." Spencer shrugged the question off. Lassiter saw he still had that ridiculous Barbie-pink face paint on. "Saw a movie, got some coffee . . ."

"I want some coffee," said Guster.

"I, uh . . . I could go for some coffee too," admitted Lassiter.

"Well, you can't come, you son of a bitch," snapped Guster.

They were in a forest again. Not the forest from earlier – the trees were bushier here. Lassiter didn't give it any more thought, hoping that if he just kept calm and carried on like normal, this whole thing would be over in . . . say . . . exactly sixty seconds.

"Oh, look, it's that dinosaur punk," Guster pointed out.

Lassiter glanced up. Indeed, lounging on a huge fuzzy-looking grey rock was an equally large dinosaur creature with the biggest teeth Lassiter had ever seen. Well, except for that murderous shark Spencer Senior caught and consequently lost, but that was a different story entirely . . .

"He owes me twenty bucks!" Spencer (Junior) shouted indignantly.

"Hey, Leo!" called out Guster. "Yo, Leo!"

"Raaraaraaraa," the dinosaur – Leo – said with a strangely un-dinosaur-ly accent. Who would have thought dinosaurs could have accents?

Silence.

"What the hell'd he say?" Guster asked quietly.

Lassiter glanced at him, then at Spencer, and then back at the dinosaur.

"Man, I have no idea," admitted Spencer.

"Raaraaraaraa," the dinosaur repeated.

"Where's my money, Leo?" Wow, Spencer was actually sounding threatening! Lassiter hadn't imagined he could so hostile!

"Raaraaraaraa." It was obviously they were getting nowhere with the dinosaur. Lassiter laughed internally. What was he saying? If someone had told him just a few hours ago that he'd be trying to translate a dinosaur's crazed ramblings with a drug-addled Spencer and Guster . . . well, he'd probably punch that sucker in the nose.

Suddenly fire burst out of the trees and enveloped the forest around them.

"Oh crap, the fire's back," said Guster, pointing out the obvious as usual.

"I want my twenty bucks, Leo!" Spencer yelled.

The blazing fire caught on the dinosaur's back, setting him alight. Spencer and Guster choked back laughter, grinning like lunatics.

"Oh no!" laughed Shawn. "Leo's on fire!" Was it just Lassiter or was there malice in his voice?

"Raaraaraaraa." Wow, did that dinosaur _never _give up?"

"Stop, drop and roll, man," advised Guster, trying (and failing) to keep the smug smile off his face.

Lassiter glanced sideways at him in disdain.

"Well, here we are," stated Guster. Carlton Lassiter looked around and realised they had moved again, without him even realising. They were stood in a grass-and-daisy-covered meadow, overlooking a river. In the distance he could see the forest, which was no longer on fire. There was no smoke clouding the beautiful blue sky either. Had it all been one big delusional fantasy?

But no. Spencer's face was still pink and Guster's still blue, though the paint was fading a bit, and in Spencer's case had been rubbed off a bit beside the nose, right where he'd had an itch he had to scratch. Lassiter also noticed their pupils were just as wide and black as earlier.

"Well, here we are," said Guster, "at the Poconos."

"This is lovely," said Lassiter sarcastically. "This . . . This is a lovely vacationing spot."

"Yeah, yeah," said Guster absently. "Should be nice . . . Except for the _dragon!"_

Spencer's jaw dropped as he and Guster stared in shock up at the sky. Lassiter glanced up as well, but the blue sky was unchanged. No dragon, in other words. Lassiter wondered whether he had let this drug-induced fantasy of theirs get too far, whether he should have stopped all this ages ago. But was it really just _their _drug-induced fantasy? Because he was seeing some pretty freaky stuff too. Unless . . . it was just a hazy dream. Yeah, that was it. It was all a dream, and he'd wake up soon in his nice warm bed, ready to face another day with Spencer and his clowning around.

The birds chirped. Spencer closed his mouth. All three kept their eyes trained on the spotless sky.

"There was supposed to be a dragon there," Guster admitted.

"Oh," said Lassiter.

"Man, we put a deposit down and everything!" complained Spencer.

"Yeah, there's . . ." Lassiter said slowly. "There's no dragon."

"Well, I can see that!" snapped Guster, glaring at him. "_Obviously!"_

Suddenly there was a terrifyingly loud crash and a large reddish mass landed beside them. Lassiter looked over in shock and realised it was, in fact, a huge – but dead – dragon, its eyes wide and glassy, its tongue hanging limply out of its mouth.

"Oh my God!" Spencer shrieked.

"Oh, that scared the crap out of me!" exclaimed Guster.

"Well, there's the dragon," Spencer pointed out helpfully.

"Yep," agreed Lassiter.

"Behold the horror," said Guster unenthusiastically.

"It is pretty scary," Lassiter admitted, mainly for their benefit. Dead dragons weren't actually that horrifying.

There was a short silence, and then Spencer said, "I'm hungry, let's find an IHOP."

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><p><strong>Possible sequel to go with this. Maybe. Do you think I should write another (either <em>charlie teh unicron episode 2 <em>or _Llamas in Hats _or something)? PLEEEAASE review! Reviewers will be sent imaginary muffins! :D**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: It's been a while, I know. In fact, '_a while' _is probably an understatement by this point! Anyway, I wrote this in the middle of the night yesterday, so please forgive any mistakes, et cetera. Also, I never go back and check or change a story once I've written it. Once it's typed, it's typed. I don't ever get rid of it. So sorry for . . . anything I need to be sorry for :P Anyways, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Me no owney Psych. Me no owney 'charlie teh unicron 2'. Again, probably best to be familiar with the 'charlie teh unicron' series (not Charlie the Unicorn, mind). Anyway, I'm just playing with this, so please don't sue or whatever. Have fun! :D**

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><p>Detective Carlton Lassiter was stood in the middle of a forest that was becoming increasingly familiar. He glanced around in irritation. It had been about ten weeks since his last 'trip' to the forest (and he was still wondering why he'd had such a strange hallucination).<p>

Lassiter sighed, and all of a sudden, a rather small ship appeared in front of him with a blare of its foghorn. Guster jumped up from the boat, crying, "Whoo! Spring break!" Lassiter noticed he was yet again wearing that ridiculous blue face make-up.

Spencer appeared beside him, pink face and all. "We just stole this boat!"

"Why would you steal a boat?" Lassiter demanded, at the end of his rope. He was fed up of the pair's ridiculous antics, even if he was delusional.

"Who cares?" said Guster. _"God!"_

"I have an idea!" said Spencer, glancing between the other two. "What if we all made out?"

Silence. Lassiter frowned, creasing his forehead as he did so. Spencer had a huge grin on his face, but for once, Guster himself was looking uncertain.

"Well, fine!" said Spencer irritably.

"Lassie, we need to find the Banana King," said Guster, ignoring his cross friend.

"The Banana King?" echoed Lassiter doubtfully.

Spencer leapt forwards. "That guy's been selling candy on our street."

Lassiter wondered if 'candy' was a euphemism for some sort of narcotic. Worried he was getting into some dangerous stuff, he said, "I'd . . . I'd rather not get involved."

Guster skipped forwards. "Oh, you're involved all r-"

Suddenly, the boat behind them exploded with a loud crash, spraying papery-looking shards everywhere. Spencer and Guster were flung into the air, but landed neatly on their feet. Lassiter was unaffected, so he assumed it was another delusion.

"_Holy . . . Jesus!" _Guster was screaming.

"You see, Lassie?" Spencer snapped. "He knows we're comin'."

"That's right, Lassie," Guster chipped in. "We're going to war!" He narrowed his eyes until Lassiter could only see his hugely dilated pupils.

"Banana King!" Guster said, and Lassiter realised they'd shifted locations again. Now they were in an inner city street, the buildings packed close together and reaching up to the skies. Strangely, though, there were no people on the street, despite the fact it was midday on a Saturday. "Get yo' ugly face out here!"

"Yo!" said a man, appearing at a window. Lassiter frowned, since the man looked strangely similar to Henry Spencer, Shawn's dad. Oddly, though, he was dressed in a canary-yellow suit and regal crown, his face painted a similar shade of yellow. "Whaddya want?"

"Want you to stop bein' an asshowle!" said Spencer (the younger one). Lassiter wondered how he dared to say that to his father.

"What?" Henry 'the Banana King' called back down. "I ain't bein' an asshowle! You bein' an asshowle!" _Oh, _thought Lassiter. _Disrespect must run in the family._

"You bein' the asshowle!" Guster said.

"I said, I ain't bein' an asshowle! But you two are definitely being asshowles."

The younger Spencer turned to Lassiter. "Lassie, tell him what an asshowle he's bein'!"

"I want no part in this," he pointed out.

"See, now that guy is _not _an asshowle," the Banana King said, and Lassiter felt oddly proud to receive such a compliment from Henry Spencer.

"That's it, I'm tired of this asshowle," said Guster.

Little Spencer nodded and glanced back up at Big Spencer. "We're coming for you, Banana King!"

Spencer and Guster burst through the door, both wielding shotguns. "Tryin' to sell candy on my street!" yelled Guster, and both men _(boys)_ started firing wildly. Lassiter, stood out in the hallway, winced. He was going to be in so much trouble for letting these lunatics run wild.

"Free market economy, man!" said the Banana King, firing a much smaller but no less deadly gun. "Y'all need to learn some economics!"

"Well, you need to learn some _die!" _Spencer the Younger retorted.

"_OW!" _yelled Spencer the Elder, and Lassiter realised with a jolt that he'd actually been hit. It wasn't funny anymore. This was _murder_, no way to get around it. And what's more, he'd be doing jail time too, for not stopping these idiots.

Henry fell to the floor, bleeding a rather strange greeny-yellow blood. "I am bleeding banana blood!"

"Yeeaaahh! Spring break!" cried Spencer, eyes unfocussed on the scene in front of him. _He's just shot his father and he's shouting about spring break,_ Lassiter realised.

"Alright, I'm done with this," said Guster calmly. "Let's go to Denny's."

Lassiter anticipated the scene change before it actually happened, and before he knew it, he, Spencer, Guster and an unharmed 'Banana King' were seated in a booth in an empty Denny's restaurant.

"What is a 'Grand Slamwich'?" asked Guster, fingering the menu.

The waiter/waitress – Lassiter was unsure whether it was a man or a woman – said, "That's everything that comes with a Grand Slam," (Lassiter had no idea what a Grand Slam was in the first place), "put into a sandwich instead."

"That sounds really nasty," Spencer said bluntly.

"They're very popular," said the server.

"I'm gonna have some pancakes," said Guster happily.

"I'll put you down for a Grand Slamwich."

"I said I want pancakes, woman!"

"You're all getting Grand Slamwiches. They're very popular." Lassiter wondered if they were only getting Grand Slamwiches because Guster had assigned the server a sex. Fair enough, it was wearing a skirt and lipstick and rather feminine glasses, but the voice was deceiving, to say the least.

"I don't want that crap," said Spencer Senior. Lassiter glanced at him, then back at the server when he/she spoke.

"You get two eggs, a sausage, some bacon, some ham, mayonnaise, cheese, and maple spread, all inside a sandwich." Her/his head wobbled as they spoke.

"Maaan, that sounds _awful!"_ Little Spencer exclaimed.

"Damnit, I want my pancakes!" cried Guster. Lassiter noticed Shawn's mouth had twisted into a pained line.

"I can slip some pancakes inside your Grand Slamwich," the waiteress suggested.

"_Nooeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!" _moaned Guster, and a line of blazing fire appeared in the middle of the restaurant.

"Whoa," said Lassiter, unenthusiastically (not much could surprise him now).

Spencer Junior chuckled. "No way!"

"That crap's still burning!" said Guster, laughing as well.

"Man, that is from _last chapter!_" Spencer exclaimed. "How is that still going?"

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><p><strong>xD<strong>

**Hypnotoad commands you to review . . . **

**_Review . . ._**

**_REVIEEIEEIEEEIEEIEEWWW!_**

**Your choice, though. :D Farewell!**


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